i.
I'm in recovery
and my people are survivors
lost and confused and looking for truth
we're deep in this pit
and we're travelling out together
and I keep thinking to myself
"we're getting out of here"
"we're getting out of here"
"I'm getting out and all my friends are coming"
ii.
but they're not all coming
they're getting tired
they're slowing down
they're sitting down and pulling out a glass and let's just stay here for one night and then I'm watching this sweet woman waste away in front of me for days before I realize that I'm not the one who pulls her out of this
it kills me to leave
I feel like two scenarios were offered to me
(both in which she drowns)
and that I'm meant to feel sorry for swimming
instead of sinking next to her
I spend months looking behind me to see if she's coming before I can look forward again
iii.
"I'm getting out and most of my friends are coming"
but most aren't coming
they're getting bored
they're taking detours
they're walking off the trail and I don't want this kid to get lost or hurt but when I try to follow him he doesn't want me there so I wait for him to come back so we can keep going
he does come back
until he doesn't
how long do I stay in one place
when do I call off the search party
can I move forward without feeling I like I failed him somehow
I'm an atheist but I'm on my knees praying he meets up with us somewhere down the road
iv.
"I'm getting out and some of my friends are coming"
but some aren't coming
they're getting angry
they're lighting torches
they're picking up pitchforks and ready to charge and I'm trying to wrestle one out of his hands even though everything is already on fire and there's nothing left to stab but each other
in the morning
I'm covered in ash and bruises
black dust and glowing embers
in every direction
and he's nowhere to be found
v.
I'm in recovery
and I'm getting out of here
even if I take every step alone